Five Stages Of Grief

She watched as the leaves fell slowly to the ground, a combination of gold and copper. The ground was already covered in a carpet of damp leaves, and the leaves simply kept falling, but it didn't look like the leaves on the trees were getting any fewer. The leaves rustled softly in the autumn wind, and here and there some small animals could be heard scurrying about, but otherwise, there was silence. The air was cool and fresh, and it carried the gentle, sweet scent of wet wood, the slightest hint of rain.

She was sitting on a small rock, taking it all in, becoming a part of the silent harmony that is nature, and trying her best not to think. Not to think about her long dead parents, not to think of her missing husband, not to think of her deceased child. Not to think. But as is the nature of the human mind, thoughts came unwillingly, memories surfacing unbidden.

 

Of the first few weeks, thankfully, she remembered close to nothing. Something had happened. Not one man in the world knew exactly what. An earthquake, a hurricane, a tsunami, an erupting volcano, that is how it had begun. Nature became the enemy, and the world came tumbling down at its feet. Before long, people were fleeing for their lives, all of them searching desperately for a refuge, somewhere that was still normal, where people weren't dying like flies.

All forms of government fell, organizations were destroyed, families disbanded and scattered. Chaos ensued. Every man cared only for himself

New rules came into existence; not laws of behavior or of nature and physics, but rules of survival. Do this- you're dead. Go there- you're dead. Everyone who had survived knew them; anyone who didn't know them did not survive. In a single month the entire earth's population was reduced almost to nothing; humankind brought to its knees.

Those few months were the best in her life.

 

She could hear the muffled sound of a pair of feet treading on the damp forest floor. She knew immediately who it was and why he came. His name was Danny, and ever since she had started coming here, to her little haven inside a haven, he had always come to inform her when a craft came through. At first, whenever he came, her eyes would light up and she would jump up and run down to the docks to ask for any news of her husband or The Bomber. There never was. As days passed with no news, Danny had tried to tell her that perhaps something had happened, tried to prepare her for the fact that she may never see him again. She flatly refused to believe him. "He'll come, you'll see, even if he has to cross the Wild on foot. He promised, you see?" She would show him the golden ring hanging around her neck, and Danny would look away and say nothing.

 

The day she first met him was as clear in her memory as it would be had it been yesterday. It was a warm summer night and insects were buzzing around in the air. She was camped in a small forest clearing, lying in a sleeping bag, a black backpack resting beside her. Its contents were some food and drink, and some other useful equipment she had picked up over the past few weeks. The air was humid and warm and it carried the acrid stench of rotting flesh. Her sense of smell wasn't as developed now as it later became, but she was already quite sure it was animal flesh, not human.

Keeping track of the date was difficult, but by her count, it was a Monday, between the 10^th and the 15^th of august. She was trying her best to fall asleep, but with the heat and the smell and the incessant buzz of the insects, she found it quite impossible.

At some point, and she wasn't sure exactly when, she became aware of the soft sound of approaching footsteps on the dry soil. At this time of night, she knew, it could only be a thief. Probably a very hungry one, too, because thieving was extremely risky in the new world; if you were seen stealing, even if you managed to get away, you were generally as good as dead. Everyone knew this, and therefore it was very rare to come across a thief, or a live one, anyway.

She lay there, listening to the sound of the footsteps getting closer, and considered her options. On the one hand, she didn't very much want to be stolen from, but on the other hand, she also did not want the thief to die. As she knew very well, a guilty conscience was as dangerous as killing, here in the new world. Finally, she came to a decision.

Without moving from her lying position, she called out: "Join me. I'll share."

The footsteps froze. She sat up and looked around, using her flashlight to see in the darkness. Finally, she spotted him. He was standing a few feet away, completely motionless, but when her flashlight caught his face, he didn’t look scared, as he should have been, but rather curious.

"Well, that's never happened to me before." He said finally, then walked over and sat down beside her.

"Do you steal a lot?" She asked him. It was such a relief to use actual words; she hadn't spoken to – or, indeed, seen – a single soul for weeks.

"Often enough." He said casually.

"It’s a miracle you're still alive." She observed.

"Or perhaps it's simply due to a fortunate combination of skill, dexterity and charm." He suggested.

"So you've never been seen stealing?" She asked skeptically. It was very hard to believe.

"I didn't say that. But no one has ever hated me enough for it that I died."

"I don't follow." She was a little confused.

"Well, everyone knows that thieves die," he started explaining, "but has anyone ever wondered why?" Well, she certainly didn't. It was a simple truth, and that was that.

"Well?" She pressed, impatient.

"I am of the opinion that thieves die because they anger the people they steal from. I believe that what we might call trouble, for lack of a better word, is attracted, in this new world, to subjects of strong emotion. When someone steals from you, you are angry at him. You hate him, and trouble finds him. When you feel guilty, you hate yourself, and trouble finds you."

She had to admit, her curiosity was peaked. It was… intriguing, to say the least. There was one problem with this theory, though.

"And when you kill?" She inquired, "What then? Who is there to hate you?"

For it was well known that taking a life, any life, as well as bringing one to the world, was extremely dangerous, and much more so than stealing.

"Ah, excellent." He said, sounding like a proud teacher who was pleased with a quick-grasping student. "Well, I don't have the answer to that, but I think that the taking or giving of a life is a completely different matter and is made dangerous by things other than emotion." Only a long while later did she find out that he was right.

It was an odd and queer conversation they had then, in the middle of the night, she in her sleeping bag and he sitting beside her, but together they were to be in stranger and more absurd situations yet. Her social skills were so rusty, that it was only the next morning when she woke up that she remembered to ask him his name.

"I'm James." He had said.

"Pleased to meet you" she had said, although it wasn't strictly true. "My name is Laurie."

 

For a whole month the state of affairs remained unchanged. Danny would come, and there would be no news. Then he would tell her that perhaps it was time to move on, and she would tell him that he simply had to be more patient, and he'll see. Her husband will come.

Then one day something horrible happened. Their son passed away. He was completely healthy, and no one knew what happened to him. All they knew was that one evening he was fine, and the next morning he was no longer breathing.

She was in shock for a while, not knowing she should do. Then suddenly she became furious with him. It was all his fault! If not for the baby, her husband would be with her now, and if that wasn't enough, he also had to go and die on her. Her husband's sacrifice was suddenly made redundant, and she was mad with anger. She cursed and screamed and sent furniture flying.

When Danny came, she unleashed her rage on him too, for doubting her husband and not believing he would come. Then she turned her rage at the captain of the craft that picked them up, and at The Bomber, and at the operators at the haven control tower. She was even mad at her husband, for leaving her alone for so long and not coming immediately.

For the next month she was in a constant fit of rage. She snapped at everyone who came near her, and started yelling if they didn't flinch and back away, which most people did. But not Danny; he endured her yells silently, and he never stopped coming. Every day, he came to her in her little haven and stayed with her until she stormed off home to sleep.

 

She had always been alone, ever since her parents died, when she was a small child. She had closed up and built walls around her, walls that only grew stronger as the years passed. Through school to college to her job as a software-security consultant, she had no real friends. Yes, she had a foster family, and yes, she had colleagues and customers and fellow employees that she spoke with regularly at work, but never in her life had she let anyone in. She never had a serious connection with anyone. As soon as she graduated from college she got herself an apartment and moved in on her own.

When the world ended, she couldn't care less. She fled the city like everyone else and moved on, travelling through the wilderness, always alone.

Then she met him. He was like a bright sun, casting his light all around him, melting down her walls. From the moment they first met, she simply knew she could say anything to him, tell him everything. She never understood him, though; he was like an unsolvable puzzle to her, always doing the unexpected, never reacting the way she thought he would. It was that unfathomable depth of his that she loved most about him.

One evening, while they were sitting by the fire in their small camp deep in some unknown woods, he did one of his unexpected things. He asked her to marry him.

He said, "Laurie, let's get married." like it was the most natural thing in the world. And she, already quite used to the surprise she felt every time he opened his mouth, said, "Ok." And that was that.

There wasn't any priest or any forms to sign, but they made a small ceremony and said their vows and promised never to leave each other. And still he managed to surprise her, because somewhere he had found a simple, smooth, round, golden ring. It was too large for her small fingers and it kept falling off, so he found her a lace and she put the ring on it and hung it around her neck.

 

After another month or so, her anger faded away. She decided she needed to do something, something that will bring her husband back to her. For surely, if only she tried hard enough, she could find him and bring him here, and if he couldn’t get here on his own, it was up to her to bring him. She went to talk to the captain of the craft that had picked her up and tried to convince him to help her.

"We've already looked!" He protested. "We checked every square inch in a ten mile radius of that lake. We looked everywhere along the route of The Bomber. We found nothing, no sign of your husband, or the ship. They're gone."

"Then organize a bigger search! Send everybody you have to look!" She pressed.

"I'm sorry, but you must understand it doesn't work like that. I can't help you. I'm sorry." He repeated.

"You gave me your word! Everything you can do to bring him back!" She reminded him, but he wouldn't budge.

As she was leaving, a tall man in expensive clothes approached her.

"My apologies," He said, "I didn't mean to overhear, but I think I might be able to help you… for a small price, of course."

"You can organize a search?" She asked.

"I have a few well placed contacts. I'm sure I can work something out."

"I'll do anything you say. Give you anything you want. Just find him" She pleaded.

For the next few days he had her working laboriously in all manner of demeaning jobs, and he even made her go out with him a few times.

Every time she asked him about the search he said he was working on it and changed the subject. Finally, one day, he told her he was sorry, but he couldn't help her after all. "Perhaps you would like to go with me on another date, though?" He suggested.

She couldn't say anything. He had taken advantage of her, exploited her in her weakness, and he still had the nerve to ask her out! Her cheeks burning up, she turned and left without a word, finally finding her way back to her haven.

 

Roaming about through the terrible forests and wastes, doing their very best to remain among the living, and occasionally only barely managing it, they always tried to stay clear of any other people. Sometimes, however, this was quite impossible.

One day, following an animal trail through the forest, searching for a water source, they were attacked. One moment everything was quiet and they were walking slowly, looking for tracks, and the next, something huge leapt out of the thicket onto him. She heard him cry as his head hit the ground. The thing that was sitting on top of him looked like some kind of bear, except that its eyes were glowing red and it had a long tail covered with some vicious looking thorns.

She couldn't suppress a startled yell, and the creature's head immediately snapped towards her. She backed away slowly, keeping eye contact with him while fumbling frantically with the clasp on the holster that was strapped to her side. It was a gift from him, although the gun was hers, of course; everyone alive had a gun.

The creature growled menacingly and stretched its hind legs, preparing for another leap. At last, she managed to draw the small pistol and fired a few bullets straight at the creature's head, killing it. Then she ran over to him. He was hurt badly, bleeding from a wound to his head, and he had lost consciousness.

She didn't know what to do. It suddenly occurred to her that never, in her entire life, had she needed to take care of another person. She slapped him, poured some precious water on his face, and tried everything else she could think of, but he would not wake up. The bleeding, she thought suddenly, she had to stop the bleeding. Tearing off his shirt, she made it into a bandage and wrapped it tightly around his wound.

She simply sat there for a while, not knowing what to do, until suddenly she realized she could hear voices. Before she could even think about getting out of the way and hiding, a large group of people came into view. They looked worn and tired and none of them were speaking, except for the children. There were four small kids walking in the group, skipping and yelling at the top of their voices. The sight of them made her smile; it had been so long since she had seen a child.

The man at the front, who was clearly their leader, stopped and looked suspiciously at the body of the creature, but then he saw her and waved.

"Greetings," He called to her, "Why are you sitting there? Can we assist you in some way?" then he came closer and saw him, lying there. "Oh my," he said quietly. "Is he passed?"

"Passed? You mean dead? No! He's just wounded! He'll wake up any minute!" She cried, confused and a little angered.

"Is that so?" The man said, and then called back to the rest of his group, "Ben! Ben! We have someone wounded here, come have a look!

"He's a doctor," He added, now speaking to her again. "He can help."

She didn't answer. She was confused. The man thought he might be dead, but he couldn't be dead, he couldn't possibly, he'd promised, he'd promised he'd never leave her so he couldn't die, could he?

"He's alive," The words pulled her back into reality and she saw a young man sitting next to him, examining his wounds. "But he's losing blood quickly. We need to get him cleaned up and bandage him properly. Here, help me. Take his arm."

 It took her a moment to realize the doctor was speaking to her. Then she took his arm and together they hoisted him up and brought him back to where the rest of the group had settled down. The children watched curiously as they laid him down on the smoothest patch of ground they could find and the doctor brought out his kit. He poured some alcohol on the wound and then took a needle and thread and sewed it up. Then he took a clean bandage and wrapped it around the wound.

"He'll need to rest for a while to regain his strength, but after that he should be as good as new."

"Thank you," she whispered, unable to find her voice. "You saved him."

"It was my pleasure." He said. "Is he your boyfriend?" He asked.

"Husband." she replied without thinking.

"He'll be fine" He promised, but she couldn't stop thinking about what the group's leader had said when he saw them. His words echoed in her mind, and suddenly she had an image in her mind of herself, sitting on some path somewhere, crying over his dead body, and it terrified her. For the first time since she was a small girl, she was scared of being alone.

Over the next few days he flitted in and out of consciousness, never awake for more than a minute, and she was always sitting next him. She talked to him while he slept, mainly telling him stories from her early childhood, which was the only other time in her life she had felt happy. Finally, after five days, three hours and twenty seven minutes, according to her count, he woke up.

Her eyes found his immediately. "How are you feeling?" She asked him quietly.

He groaned. "Like I've been sleeping for a whole week." He replied, slowly stretching his arms and legs. "How long was I out?"

"Five days, three hours, and twenty… eight minutes, I think." She said, slightly embarrassed. She felt her cheeks getting a little warm as he chuckled. Her embarrassment was replaced with irritation at his complacence.

"Don’t you ever do that to me again!" she snapped at him. "I was so scared! Don't you understand?" her voice broke. "You're my savior! You freed me from myself! Without you…" She couldn't bring herself to finish that sentence, and instead she let her voice trail away and die.

That was the first time she ever saw him look surprised by something she had said. Then he shook his head. "Oh, my dear Laurie, you absolute fool. Don’t you see? Don't you understand anything? You got it all wrong; it's the other way round! You saved me! You gave me something to live for, finally! If it weren’t for you, I'd have simply continued stealing until, despite my extraordinary charm, I ultimately would have died."

She was stunned. Stupefied. Astonished. "How… I… I never thought… you… you never said…" She couldn't continue her babbling because her lips were suddenly busy with something else. It took her a few minutes to register that he had kissed her.

After some long minutes, she forced herself to stop. "Honey, I have something really important to tell you." She said putting her hand on his mouth to stop his protests. "I… I'm not sure how to say this, but… well… we're going to be a family!" She finally managed to say.

He frowned, then she saw understanding dawn in his eyes. "You mean…" His look passed up and down from her face to her belly.

"Yes!" She squealed.

His reaction was, as she had already come to expect, unexpected. He sat up in a sudden movement and then whooped.

"That's great! I can't believe it! We're going to be a family!" He cried.

The loud voices attracted the attention of the rest of the group, who came up to see what was going on. When they heard the news, most of them smiled and clapped, but the leader, whose name – she learnt – was Brad, looked worried. Though she wasn't prepared to think about it at the moment, she knew exactly why that was. Bringing a new life was as dangerous as taking one in this world, and that meant extremely dangerous.

He noticed it, too. "We won’t stay." He told Brad. "I thank you for all the help, I would have been dead if not for you, but we really are more of an alone kind of couple." He looked at her, and she nodded. "As soon as I'm back on my feet, we'll be off." He finished.

Before they left, the group told them a rumor that had been spreading in the area. According to this rumor, there was a place of sanctuary to be found somewhere to the east, an actual place where everything was as it once was. Few believed it, and even those who did were too afraid to try and get there; everyone knew east was the worst direction. After a short discussion, though, they decided to try and locate that place. After all, he had said, if they were going to have a baby, they needed a safe place to raise him. Besides, they were going to be in trouble before long either way, they may as well try and get something out of it.

 

Later, Danny came to see her. She realized what a fool she had been, trying to organize a search; the chances of finding anything were so slim. She sat on the rock and stared at the ground.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly to him. "You've been so good to me ever since I came, and in return I've treated you like a human punching bag. I'm a horrible person. And if that isn’t enough, I made an utter fool of myself with that jerk. It's all completely useless. What have I got left to live for? I came here to live with my husband, and raise my son in a safe environment. Now it's just me, alone, like all those years. But I can't go back to that. No matter what, I can't ever go back to that."

As usual, Danny just sat and listened, without saying anything. He was a good listener.

For the next month, she walked around feeling empty, wandering aimlessly through the haven, wishing she were dead. Finally, she realized that is what she needed to do. One last purpose - she needed to die. She took a knife and went to her haven. She sat there for a long time, listening for Danny's footsteps, not sure if she hoped that he would come or that he wouldn't come. In any case, she knew, it would be him that will find her. He would come, certainly, looking for her, and he would find her, but she won’t really be there, not any more; she will finally be reunited with her husband and her baby.

For a very long time she sat there, and in the end, she dropped the knife. She simply couldn't carry it out.

 

For more than a year they wandered along, ever heading east, asking around and looking for clues that will lead them to their destination. At long last, they found what they were looking for.

"Look, there it is!" She cried excitedly, though it was quite obvious. They were walking side by side, occasionally holding hands, rarely talking. Every once in a while they would turn and look at each other, staring deeply into each other's eyes, smiling contently. They were together, and their son, who had been born a few weeks earlier, was well; they were happy. She was carrying the baby strapped safely to her chest, sleeping.

"I see it." He said gently. Then, with a naughty grin, he asked, "Shall we go for a swim?"

Before them lay a beautiful, wide lake, and three small islands could be seen dotting the clear blue of the water. They had been told to find the lake and wait by it, and that someone will arrive there to take them to the haven. They had not been told how long they will need to wait.

It was a very warm day and the harsh, glaring sun was up in the middle of sky, so after carefully laying their son in some shade to rest, they waded into the water for a swim. It was refreshing, and it reminded her of the last time she had gone swimming just for fun- with her parents.

They swam together for a while, but she just couldn't help herself and kept glancing back at the small baby every few minutes. Finally, she couldn't take it any more, and she headed back out of the water to sit with him.

The baby and he were now the most, and quite frankly, the only important things in her life, and thinking back, she couldn’t understand how she could have ever lived without them.

They stayed on the gravelly beach by the lake for five days, until the ship arrived. It wasn't a regular ship, and, as she soon found out, it wasn't actually called a ship, but a hovercraft. It looked like a ship, however, and so that is what she told him.

"Look!" she cried, "It's a ship!" She was, once again, stating the obvious, but he didn't seem to mind.

He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, and said, "Yes, it's a ship come to take us home." His face looked oddly serene, and she realized that unlike her, he must have had a normal home, before. She had never asked him, and he never spoken about who he was before.

Then a loud sound came from the forest behind them, a horrid racket caused by huge trees being snapped in two and crashing down to earth.

"It's caught up." This time it was him stating the obvious. Ever since the birth, trouble had been chasing them, wherever they went. It looked different each time, and each time they had managed to escape. Nevertheless, it simply kept coming.

The ship kept coming closer, its engines screaming with a noise like a hurricane. Finally, the ship closed in, and a hatch opened at the bottom, a ramp extending down to the ground from it. On the ramp, like in a bad alien movie, a man stood, struggling against the heavy wind caused by the engines. His eyes swept over them, then came back and rested upon the baby.

"Three?" he cried, his voice barely audible over the loud wind and the roar of the engines.

She nodded, not even trying to speak.

"Damn!" the man cried. "We can't take three! Only two! Someone will have to stay behind and wait for the next one!"

She felt her heart skip a beat. She couldn't breath. She couldn’t lose them, any of them.

She heard him call out to the man. "What do you mean?! It's just a baby! Surely he won't make a difference!"

"I'm sorry, I can't explain it! We can only take two more living people with us!" The man called back. "What's it gonna be?" He asked them.

He looked at her. "James, no!" For once, she already knew what he was going to say, and she couldn't stand it, especially because he was right.

"I'll stay, Laurie, you should go with the baby, you need to take him somewhere safe." He said.

She looked back towards the forest, where the violent destruction was visibly coming closer.

"It's you it's after, not me." He said. "I'll hide under a rock somewhere until it passes. You heard him- I'll just take the next one."

She hesitated. "I'll come. I promise! Never to leave you, remember?"

She nodded, a lump climbing up her throat. He gave her a quick hug and a kiss, and then the baby.

She still just stood there.

"Go!" he cried. "You have to go!"

She turned away from him and walked up the ramp.

"I'm sorry." The man on the ramp said as she came to stand next to him.

As the ramp closed behind her, she caught one last glimpse of him, standing on the shore with his arms crossed, and he looked like nothing in the world could possibly hurt him now.

The captain met her a few minutes later, and explained that the craft can sustain only so many live forms while crossing the Wild, and therefore he had to stay behind.

"I truly am sorry." The captain had said. "But another craft, The Bomber, is in the vicinity and will arrive shortly to pick your husband up. We will do everything we can to bring him back to the haven. You have my word."

A day later they arrived at the haven. It was beautiful and normal and safe. She couldn’t stand it. Every day she waited for news to come back from The Bomber. One day news came, but it wasn't good. The haven control tower had lost contact with The Bomber.

 

Now she is sitting there, lost in her unwanted thoughts, and tears fill her eyes. For the first time since the day she lost her parents, she cried. She let it all out, and a decade and a half of anguish and sorrow, locked in her heart, came finally pouring out.

"I'm sorry, James!" She cried. "I'm sorry I left you! I'm sorry I couldn't find you! I'm sorry I couldn’t join you! Our child is dead, and you are lost to me, and I have to continue without you! I have to keep on living! I-" Her next words caught in her throat and she couldn't continue speaking. Instead, she wept more, tears flowing in salty streams from her eyes, dripping down on the already damp leaves.

She turned her eyes to the small tombstone under the largest tree. It read:

 

Here lies James Jr.

Beloved son

2030

May he rest in peace

 

Next to it was another stone which read:

In loving memory of James Sr.

Beloved husband and father

Fate unknown 2030

May he find peace

 

Finally, after what seemed like hours of weeping, she dried her eyes and stood up to go. The sound of the wind in the trees sounded to her like a lament to love and happiness lost, but on top of it she could still hear the sound of footsteps coming closer.

She walked out of her little haven, away from the graves of her loved ones, back towards the city. Far ahead, at the edge of the trees, she saw Danny coming her way, and for the first time in months, she allowed herself a small smile.